Trying to Enjoy the Process

My therapist told me to not be so hard on myself and I am trying, but it’s not easy. Therapy has awakened me to so many aspects of myself that I feel like I am being called out on all of my shit that I didn’t even know bothered me. I truly am. When I think that I am not being hard on myself, turns out I still am. This is a habit on my healing journey that I am struggling to break. I am my own critic and I love that shit. I am obsessed with the feeling. Maybe it’s something that society taught us, this having put so much expectations on how things should be, how you need to be driven, how you need to have all this recognition. Hear me out, when I look back at the progress that I have made in my life, with work, as a new mom and on this healing process, this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been so hard on myself. I am truly putting in the work. If I hadn’t pushed myself in my career, I wouldn’t have the job that I do now. If I hadn’t pushed myself to start this blog or write the books, I wouldn’t have those things either. As a creator, there’s this urge to perfect your craft, to learn more, to engage with others more, to put in the work and I am constantly on myself about doing those things because I know that I am capable of it. I have to admit, that I enjoy being hard on myself when it comes to those things.

What I don’t enjoy is being hard on myself about failed relationships or mistakes that I have made within those relationships. This is where the story gets murky right? We dwell on our past, our mistakes, the what if’s, the WHYYYY DID I DO THAT SHIT, or if I had done this differently would I have been in this situation? I’ve been there. I do have those moments and I am working through that too. I am also trying to not be hard on myself when it comes to my body. I didn’t snap back , at all and it still looks like I am pregnant so it’s hard to be in this body that doesn’t feel like …me. I am working out when I have the time but I feel like I could be doing soo much more. Remember my last post? The post that spoke of showing ourselves some grace? It’s easier said then done these days. But I am trying.

My mind has been in overdrive lately.

Thankfully, I am past the dwelling on my mistakes part. I had to accept that everything happens for a reason. That God was truly working in my life even though I didn’t see it.

I don’t know about you but being hard on myself is also quite exhausting and no amount of iced coffee can help. I am learning to find some kind of balance for myself and my little one. Thankfully I have tremondous amount of support. I am learning to lean in on that support because it takes a village not only for my little one, but for myself as well. Though I want to do all these things, be a strong indepenent working mom, I can’t do all these things without a little support. I am learning that it’s okay to not have something clean right away, to set boundaries with work so that I won’t bring the work home with me, to enjoy a moment with my daughter without thinking of ways I can be a better mommy to her. Just enjoy the moment.

I am sitting in a creative space right now that allows me to explore and do things that I love to do. In an attempt to not be so hard on myself within this space, I am allowing myself to fully enjoy the process, to have fun, to be a little easy on myself. I am so proud of the progress that I’ve made and it feels good to finally say that. I hope you take a minute to reflect on the progress that you made, to laugh more, and to simply enjoy yourself more. Enjoy the process.

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