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To:	Emmett0527@gmail.com
From:	NatLB@gmail.com
Subject:	You Were On My Mind. Don’t Make This Weird.

I can’t help but wonder what it is about you that makes me want to be near you. I probably don’t really know you as well as I think I do. Because I’m sure the “you” in these messages are different from the ‘in person” you. I mean, it should be expected though right? Since we honestly have not, yet met in person a day in our lives. I can’t tell anyone how your hugs feel or how your hands feel in mine. I don’t even know how it feels to touch the roughness of your beard or how your lap feels under the weight of my body. I don’t even know the smell of your favorite cologne or how your laugh sounds in person or how it feels to hold each others hands while we pray over a meal together. I’m also really upset with the fact that my mind keeps going back to ‘What If’s”. What if we actually did date? Can long distance even work for us ? What would life be like? How would that feel? What would that be like? I’m curious. They say curiosity kills the cat, but that’s not the cat I want to be killed this time, with you. Perhaps this thought, this letter is due to my reading lots of romance books with the friends to lovers trope, but this just feels like our story aligns in those tropes too and we should get on it. Am I alone in this? Would finally meeting each other in person feel like how I’ve always imagined? Would it feel like drinking a hot cup of coffee or tea on a rainy fall day, while cozy in bed under piles of blankets while reading a new romance book? Would it feel like finally opening the windows in the house and letting a cool breeze come into the room? Or would it feel like being the first to cross the finish line while running a 100m in the Olympics after beating Sha’carri Richardson, on some St. Lucia shit. Sometimes I sit and fantasize about how it would be to go on a vacation with you, fun in the sun, lots of laughter, romance, candlelit dinners, sitting on the beach with our toes in the sand, phones on DND, a drink full of rum in hand, catching each other up on our lives, talking about all the things that have happened over the years that we were apart and how silly it all was. In that moment it would feel like we had all of the time in the world to do so. The waves would kiss our toes and we would watch the sailboats go by and it would feel so calm, so right, so peaceful. How silly of me to romanticize such a thing that would probably never happen between us, right? In this life, it feels like we have nothing but time but it also feels like I’ve known you since I was the ripe age of 18, talking over tumblr while you were there and I was here. Separated by miles and miles and a computer screen. I can’t gauge where your head is at in all of this and that is frustrating because we are no longer in our 20s we are in our 30s, and in these two decades we had life happen to us, we had experiences and at some point we vented to each other while going through the motions in those pivotal moments of our lives. It’s been decades since we’ve known each other and there’s been no attempt to see each other in person. It’s not really cool of me to wonder about you when neither of us have made an effort to even come see each other or to add seeing each other at least once in our lives to our bucket list. We are pen pals. That’s exactly what society would call it so let’s call it as it is. This is exactly what this is. We vent to each other when our love lives have gone to shit secretly, playfully saying “This would never have happened had I been with you” . We playback our voice messages trying to analyze each other’s day to be sure to respond to the right part. I play that shit back because I want to hear the husky tone of your voice. Reminds me of whiskey paired with a cigar, or even a flute filled of prosecco and fresh raspberries. I feel like I am playing myself out every time I smile into my phone when you text me, we playfully call each other “boo” and “baby”. Oh foolish girl, so foolish of me. Do you know how much I would give to have the opportunity to fall deep in love with you? On some crazy shit. I’d get your initials tattooed on me or I’d wear your initials on my necklace or have it dangle around my ankle on an anklet, solid gold, no bull shit while my ankle hung over your shoulder. But this is all very foolish because you are there and I am here and neither of us are comfortable or risky enough to catch a flight for a weekend to just spend time getting to know each other. I mean, I wouldn’t know whether I would shake your hand or hug you in person. I imagined I’d be too shocked that this all is happening. But forgive me if I am overstepping with you on this. I really hate to have this ruin our friendship. If you don’t respond, I totally understand.

But you still owe me a camping trip, I didn’t forget.

XOXOXO,

Natalie